where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Randomize
