May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
