I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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