i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
