i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
