My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
