God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
