no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
