His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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