Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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