Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
