And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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