I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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