How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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