im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
