I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
