Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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