it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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