I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
