Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
