there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Randomize
