Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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