Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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