she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
