i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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