I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
