I cannot find my penis.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
