remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Randomize
