The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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