I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
It's shark week go big or go home
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
