we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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