I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
