Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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