Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
