You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
sick fucks of a feather flock together
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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