Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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