i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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