Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
