I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
