I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
This is the prime rib incident all over again
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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