Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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