The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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