I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
