all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
