I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
