i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I enjoy the company of your penis
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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