Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
