Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
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