dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
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