Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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