Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
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