i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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