Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
